At 62, Susan Winter has never had a relationship with a man older than 41. This is her story.
Here's how it all began.
I was sitting by myself at a rehearsal dinner in Vermont, newly single, when my life changed forever. I had just gotten out of a 10-year relationship with a man my age that I'd started dating in my mid-20s. He was an attractive, intelligent guy who would have taken a bullet for me. But there was no chemistry; getting intimate felt more like a requirement than a good time. How I stayed with him for so long, I have no idea. And this kid, Ryan*, at the rehearsal dinner kept asking me to dance.
It was 1991, and the bride was a client turned friend. I was 36 at the time, hosting a show on the Financial News Network (now CNBC). He was a gorgeous 22-year-old, fresh out of college, and related to the groom. At first, I thought he felt sorry for me, sitting alone with the older women, but he kept dancing with me. During a slow dance, I looked into his eyes, and he took my hands in his. I said, "I'm not very good at this." And he said, "Don't worry, Susan. I know how to dance. I'll show you." I got goosebumps all over my body and felt like I was 14 again. I was terrified, excited, confused, and totally off my center. I'd been sleepwalking through all of my previous relationships, and boy, oh boy, did this guy wake me up. (Want to improve your relationship? Sign up now to get sex and marriage advice delivered straight to your inbox!)
Like many older women who get into relationships with much younger men, I didn't see it coming. Society implies doing so is dirty or deviant, but I gave myself permission to start a relationship with Ryan, because I was worried I might never again feel so alive. I was willing to pay whatever price came with it. And I did pay the price. The bride was furious that I had gotten involved with one of her in-laws' relatives—the age difference riled his conservative family.
In fact, the bride threatened me with a restraining order to show her allegiance to her new family. She also told us crazy stories about each other to try and tear us apart. She said Ryan was getting married and didn't want to see me. She told Ryan I had a boyfriend in the Mafia who would kill him. None of it was true. We saw each other for about a month, but ultimately I felt so guilty and shame-ridden that I broke it off.
But the experience of dating a younger man had changed me. Soon after the breakup, I got into a relationship with a man 16 years younger than me. We were involved for about two and a half years. He was lovely, but I realized that he was still a boy. He went from his parents' home to my home, and I thought, I have to kick him out of the nest, or he will never become his own man.
Then for about six months, I tried to date men my age. But Seth*, a beautiful guy from my gym kept talking to me. For a year, I would often give him advice about the girls he was dating, and we'd have long talks about psychology and spirituality. I thought of myself as his mentor; never in my wildest dreams did I think he would fall for me. But one day he said, "I love you. I've never said that to a woman before." I was so moved by his sincerity that I went uncharacteristically mute.
Seth was 19, and we ended up dating for more than five years until his family's opposition to our relationship caused us to break up. His mother cut him off from the family and sought to erode my professional reputation. She preferred to think I was an
escort or someone out to harm her son than to believe we actually loved each other.
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